Supermarket Escapades
by justanotherphanboy
Summary: "Umm... I'll take your houseplants! Yeah that's right, your fucking cacti shall be sacrificed to the illuminati and used to revive Lucifer!" "It'll prick Lucifer's butt and get him pregnant with cacti babies." "You're an asshole." "And I'm going to sleep." Just another ordinary day in Dan and Phil's life. Maybe.


Disclaimer: Phil-senpai belongs to me... in my phantasy. In real life, Phil is Dan's, and Dan is Phil's. Or is it a phantasy as well?

Word Count: 1190

Summary:

"Umm... I'll take your houseplants! Yeah that's right, your fucking cacti shall be sacrificed to the illuminati and used to revive Lucifer!"

"It'll prick Lucifer's butt and get him pregnant with cacti babies."

"You're an asshole."

"And I'm going to sleep."

Just another ordinary day in Dan and Phil's life. Maybe.

**_Supermarket Escapades_**

"Phil!" Dan's voice echoed in the apartment, and was greeted with a weary groan from another room. "What?" the voice asked, almost exasperated. Phil wasn't usually cranky in the mornings, but he dedicated his whole night to editing his new video (something about a Lion movie or something; Dan honestly couldn't remember–The latest episode of Tokyo Ghoul requires his full immersion, and not even the shitty dub could keep him from staying awake at 2 a.m.), and being awoken at 4 a.m. surely wasn't the first thing that Phil wanted to do.

"We're out of food." Dan declared, and he could almost hear Phil cursing from his room. "Then go and fucking buy 'em." Phil half-shouted. "'m still sleepy."

Dan pouted a little, before realising that Phil couldn't see him, and resorted to puerile whines and pleadings.

"I'll take your lion if you don't."

"'m keeping your llama hat then."

"Umm... I'll take your houseplants! Yeah that's right, your fucking cacti shall be sacrificed to the illuminati and used to revive Lucifer!"

"It'll prick Lucifer's butt and get him pregnant with cacti babies."

"You're an asshole."

"And I'm going to sleep."

There was a pregnant pause, and then:

"... Fine, no sex for a week."

Dan could briefly hear the sheets rustling, before Phil replied hastily, still in his room.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh yes, I will. Abstinence would be good for you, considering that you are practically insatiable." Dan smirked, secretly relieved that he finally got the upper edge.

"Fuck you."

"You can't if you don't go shopping with me."

* * *

They were downstairs in a few minutes—Dan had to drag a half-awake Phil down, and luckily, there was no one out there to recognise them.

"Why so worked up all of a sudden?" Phil asked, his head lolling onto Dan's shoulder as he staggered to his feet, nearly tripping on a rogue pebble.

"I need popcorn," Dan casually declared, completely ignoring the dumbfounded look on Phil's face.

"You woke me up at four to buy popcorn? God, I thought that we completely ran out of food or something–"

"Technically, we did run out of food," Dan interjected, "but popcorn is priority."

Phil snorted sharply, kicking on another rogue pebble, hands tucked underneath his hoodie (He didn't have time to change into his pyjamas; editing didn't allow him to). "Still, you can go alone."

"I'm afraid of the dark." Dan answered, his voice softening; the fact wasn't really a secret among them, but Phil never really quite believed it ("We did have sex in the dark before!" he said once before, and of course, Dan was too embarrassed to admit that Phil kept him preoccupied—his touch and his big... oops).

"That's why you shouldn't watch too much Tokyo Ghoul..." Phil muttered, but his voice lacked the bitterness he had a few minutes ago. He reached out to enclasp Dan's hand, and Dan took it almost gratefully. "C'mon then, let's go." Phil said solemnly.

* * *

Phil seemed to have woken up when they came to the store, and was running around the store like a little child; adrenaline rushing, his face pink and sweating. "Look at this new brand of snacks, Dan! And look, they're selling cacti! Cacti!" Dan felt himself flush at the attention that Phil was making, but knows fully well that Phil's excitement cannot be satiated once he's onto something (it made Dan quite... vocal during night when Phil's in the mood).

"And every month, we buy a new cactus." Phil casually grinned as he grabbed one of the cacti placed on display, taking full pleasure at the shocked look Dan was giving him, before zipping off again.

He eventually got exhausted after one full turn to the sauce department (thank god for the lack of exercise!), and a very drained-out Dan followed behind..

"You could have slowed down!" Dan chastised, but his facial expression betrayed him. "I can barely breath!"

"That's what she said." Phil giggled, before ambling across the store, taking groceries here and then.

They found themselves spending the next hour stocking up their food supply; frozen lasagnas, vegetables, cereal and a lot more.

"Oh, sorry!" Dan said as he bumped into a teenager, dropping everything from the teenager's hands. The teenager gave a small squeak, before reaching down to gather his things that were scattered on the floor. "Let me help you," Dan asked sheepishly, but the teenager had finished gathering his things already by the time he finished talking, which made Dan even more embarrassed.

"That's alright," the teenager muttered, before moving to another section.

"I know it's kinda strange, but you seem familiar." Dan admitted, and the teenager immediately blushed, before quickly staggering away, muttering incoherent apologies to the people he bumped into.

"Weird kid," Phil observed, "but he does seem familiar."

"Right? Maybe he's a youtuber or something," Dan echoed, but was cut short as Phil accidentally stumbled and dropped the things in his hands, some hitting Dan straight to his face.

* * *

"You're a fucking idiot." Dan grumbled as he carried the shopping bag; a guilt-ridden Phil followed behind like a hurt puppy.

"I'm sorry," Phil replied forlornly, his grin sheepish. "I tripped on a can of mackerels." Dan rolled his eyes, but immediately felt his short-lived anger dissipate as Phil gave him a quick peck to the cheek.

"Seriously Phil? In public? Oh god, Tumblr will surely explode." Dan blushed, before completely contradicting his statement by kissing Phil back on the cheek, ignoring the stares that he was getting.

"We should get home now," Dan suggested, but Phil shook his head. "I still need to buy more."

So they ended up in the beauty section.

* * *

Dan was staring at a Playboy magazine (which was oh so conveniently placed beside a rack of condoms) when something inside his mind clicked.

"Oh shit." his face turned hot. "Do you remember the guy that we met just now?" he turned to Phil, who was paying him no mind.

"What about that?"Phil asked with indifference, attention firmly fixed on the shampoo products—his Raspberry one was running out, and he wonders if Unicorn Bliss really does smell like unicorns; completely indifferent to the fact that he was holding a shampoo intended for little girls in their Frozen costumes.

"It's that pornstar. You naw–" Dan feigned a boyish moan. "Our favourite." he added, suddenly bashful.

"Mmm..." Phil dismissed it unhesitatingly, and continued to reminisce on the authenticity of the unicorn shampoo, before letting Dan's words sink in.

"Oh shit." Phil blushed crimson, and quickly covered his face in apprehension. "No wonder he looks familiar."

"Never fucking mention this again." Dan muttered, still in utter mortification

And so they never did.

**_EPILOGUE_**

"The shampoo lied to me! It smells like unicorn poop!" Phil exclaimed, hair spritzed with thick, gooey chocolate liquid as water trickled down the shower.

"I hope you like it," Dan laughed from his room. "I heard that it'll make you smell like a princess!"

"I guess that's why no one wanted to kiss Cinderella for years!"

"Phil, that's Snow White."

"Whatever! They must've smelled equally bad!"


End file.
